Query: I am a 34-year-old banking professional and married to my wife since three years. We had a love marriage after dating for around three months. I have understood her better as a person with time and have come down to the realisation that she is not my type. I am a generous, caring person, but on the other hand, she is a miser and self-centered person. She does not trust me with her finances, and I have been spending my entire salary on our every household related expenditure. She splurges her salary on shopping and traveling. Plus, over the years, she has stopped even calling my parents (we live separately). She cares for her friend circle and has no concern about my life. It seems I am living with someone who has no interest in sharing life with me. I told her once about how I am feeling and she accepted the fact that we are no longer in love. What should I do now? —By Anonymous
Response by Ms. Rachana Awatramani: Marriage is a long-term investment of emotions, time and many other things. Marriage also goes through various phases, and requires a conscious effort of working towards a common goal from both the partners.
I understand that you are feeling frustrated and thinking that the person you married three years ago is not your type anymore. You feel she is completely different and has a self-centred approach. On the other hand, you are generous and a caring person. It can be hurtful when you see that the person you are married is not interested in your life and does not care for your family.
I comprehend that you shared your feelings with her and she confronted that you both are not in love. Firstly, I would ask you to understand where did this start from, what made her change her behaviour in this marriage? Secondly, you can speak to her about the shared responsibilities in the marriage and understand what are the common goals that you both can work towards as a team.
Lastly, you can consider marriage counselling to resolve interpersonal challenges. You can also consider discussing common interest and spend time together for trust building and understanding each other better.
- Ms. Rachana Awatramani is a Counseling Psychologist at Insight Counseling Services in Mumbai
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