Being the wife of an army man takes courage. It is not just about having the courage to stand tall and fearless but also, about not shedding a tear even if I want to. Never did I imagine that I would be married to a military man, let alone be in a successful marriage with him. My husband is in the Indian army and has been in the field for around 11 years and we have been married for 7 years now. I have always loved him like no other and saw a future with him. I had wished for a life and family with him but nowhere was I ready to be an army wife. Even now, while I’m writing this, it sends shivers down my spine.
It is not easy. Every time, he is posted in sensitive areas, it feels emotionally devastating. It is his supreme duty to defend our country and I am very proud of my husband. But, I just can’t seem to hold myself off, when he turns away from our home gate.
Everyone expects you to be strong when you are with an army partner, but I just can’t seem to hold my emotions down. I don’t know if I am wrong to feel so weak about our marriage when my husband is out there fighting for his country. People tell you, “You are an army wife. It is hard, but you can surely deal with it.” This is quite easy to say, but is it easy to feel the same? I don’t. I cry some days and other days, I keep myself busy by doing other recreational work. But, in the end, no matter what I do, I always feel so lonely. The endless nights filled with loneliness have taken a toll on me.
I even feel ashamed to say this, but I get jealous of other women whose husbands live a normal life. They occasionally go out, all dressed up. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes whenever I see others having fun. It has been years, but I still haven’t got accustomed to this. I don’t know if it is because I have an emotional problem or just because I haven’t been able to accept my role as an army wife.
We are nothing without the challenges
Every year on Karwa Chauth, I spend the day with my parents back in my maternal home. I don’t leave the house, but spend hours praying to the Gods about my husband’s well being and safety. special occasions don't feel the same without him. It has never been enough for me.
However, it always has to be okay. I have to be okay when my husband misses all celebrations, I have to be okay when he goes away on dangerous missions in a faraway land. I have to be okay when I put my emotional needs behind. But, how much of this can actually go on? I want to be okay about it, but I don’t know if I am. My uncertainty is weighing heavily on me as I feel emotionally drained without having a partner by my side at all times. I wish I knew what it was to be an army wife because I feel absolutely worthless holding that title. I stand proud, but only after crying my eyes out at home.
I am strong, resilient and tough, but I have never felt so weak in my life. I have no idea if I will be able to hold forever. After all, promises stand bleak against loneliness.